Random Thoughts

I wish I could say it feels bittersweet, but I can’t. I wish I could say it feels unsatisfying, but no. I wish I could deny my curiosity and anticipation for something bad to happen, but no. Why do I wish these things? I’m not sure.

I can’t help how I feel.

Maybe it feels more human and less shitty to wish for positive outcomes for individuals other than ourselves. Oh well, humans are shitty and that’s practically the problem now. Doing shitty things gets you in shitty situations.

Sometimes.

I wasn’t happy but found myself in a permanent state of discontent, and forced myself to not think of my discontentment so frequently. What was the point? This was the norm and nothing would change. That I was certain of. But it seems I was wrong.

A satisfying surprise.

I wasn’t happy but I was fine with not saying anything about all the mess. I may have vented and gossiped to a best friend, roommate, boyfriend, sister, mom, brother, but never to the source. And never to the person in charge of the source. I was mostly fine with that, saving my negative energy and thoughts for them. Saying bad things and laughing with them. At least they offered some form of comic relief to help keep me sane. I would lose my mind constantly bashing and babbling about the same irritants day to day.

So the same that I expected mess to happen. And wasn’t at all surprised when it did.

A mantra I consistently try to say and implement in daily life – Do not worry about things you can’t control. Man is that a hard thing to do sometimes. I hate that my emotions change whether I give them permission to or not. Honestly, I hate emotions in general. Sometimes. Fretting over things you can’t control is pointless and a poor use of time.

I say that, while also wishing I could admit that reciting this mantra helped. Maybe it helped overall, just less in these situations.

I wasn’t going to go out of my way to say anything, but I was asked. Specific questions, and I did not lie. Given all the mess I’ve dealt with lately, there wasn’t even a reason to lie to de-escalate the situation. Nor did I feel the need to exaggerate either, though it briefly crossed my mind.

I wasn’t happy before but considering recent events, I now have hope. Hope for change and potential happiness, or simply just contentment.

But then ...

Nothing changed.